I believe it's true that our past can haunt us. Sometimes it may remain dormant for years at a time. But eventually, we will find ourselves face to face with that scary thing from our past. How we react is the key to whether it continues to haunt us or finally rests in peace.Tonight I had a terrifying visit from a subject I don't like to go into. There are 2 main events that have truly left me scarred. One occurred at a horse show. The second was during college.
In school my horse an I were bullied, I won't get into details but it was a very dark time. When I walked into trivia night I was hoping to meet up with a pastor and a few friends from church. To my horror, I saw two people from college. Two who were in the same program and even the same classes as me. In that moment, when the pain in my chest started, when my hands shook violently, when just breathing became difficult, I had a choice. The fight or flight response had kicked in. I could either run (which I desperately wanted to), or I could stay. They did not recognize me which was a miracle. But I was alone (my friends hadn't shown up yet). My face white as snow I sat down in the only spot available, directly behind them, and waited. It was probably only 15 mins until my friends showed up, but it felt like a lifetime. I felt trapped and cornered sitting behind them. No escape should the questions come. We all have ghosts. Something in our past that Satan uses to haunt us. And honestly, he sends them to us at the strangest times... It made no sense for these two to be in Estes Park. The only thing I can guess is that I'm following God closely. That's the only time something like this happens. The week before I was to leave for Costa Rica, I ran into the person involved with my first trauma (at the horse show). Again, they didn't recognize me, and I don't think that was Satan's goal. It was a mind game. To Satan, I'm getting too close. I think he's finally given up on my soul, but he knows that I impact lives around me. So if he can stunt my spiritual growth by bringing the past back, he's gonna try. Tonight really made me think. I say that I've forgiven and I believe I have. So what could cause this extreme of a reaction? Our body remembers trauma longer than our mind. Dealing with a physical reaction takes time, and practice. When a situation occurs that reminds us of a trauma, sometimes we need to force ourselves to remain calm and stay there. Stay in the uncomfortable situation that is bringing up all these terrible memories. It's hard, and it isn't fixed over night. Still to this day I tense up around white dodge trucks. Slowly and with support, we can tackle our ghosts. And we can lay them to rest. I don't want to be looking over my shoulder all the time waiting for someone in my past to show up and hurt me. I need to focus my thoughts on what is in front of me. Where I'm going. I am focusing on God. And no terror from my past is going to change that. Forgive like yesterday's gone. Love like today's all you have. And be joyful for the possibility of tomorrow.
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Today I was able to sit down and talk with a pastor friend of mine. I wanted to talk about the future a little. What God was calling me to do? Where God was calling? And how I could get the training I need to continue.When we started to wrap up, he asked me a question that stuck. Is there anything you could feel fulfilled doing other than being a missionary? Wow. I thought long and hard, and honestly have thought about it all day. Would I be ha...ppy doing anything other than missions?
The answer: No. I can't think of anything I'd rather do with my life. What about writing Darby? You love writing. Well, I do love writing, but I tried to be a writer. For 1 month I only worked on my book. And I got antsy. I was so ready to do something that my writing began to suffer. I felt bored like I was wasting my life. Now I still write don't get me wrong. I love writing my books and still plan to publish my first this year. But now instead of dedicating my life to writing, I dedicate my life to God. God is using my writing to teach and train me. He reminds me when it's time to write. So is there a life for me other than missions? Maybe... in 20-40 years. But missions is my life's work. I believe it is my career. My friend said that my answer would help me in the long run. When I'm tried and wondering why I even listened to God, I'll remember that my life's purpose is missions. There is truly nothing I'd rather be, than a missionary I think that's a fair question... I mean look I'm from a middle/ lower class divorced and remarried family. And on paper, I'm just another college drop out who's traveling the world trying to find her place in life. Nothing special on paper about me. Sure I'm a missionary but I see some of you watching me closely. Waiting to see how long, this phase lasts...So you can ask me, Darby what's so special about you? Why in the world would anyone in their right mind support you in whatever the next crazy adventure is??? Great question! I love it when people are blunt. Straight to the point.
Let's just get right into it then shall we? What's so special about me??? Nothing. Not a darn thing. I'm not special to you or anyone in this world (except maybe to my mom and step dad, but sadly, their bias. haha). Ok then why should anyone support me in prayer much less finances when it comes to the next mission trip? Why not any other missionary who's done more, given more, or even committed more? If we collectively have decided that I'm not special, then I think we can also agree that God is EXTRA special! Stay with me now... Sorry guys, this title just really gets stuck in my head... You can actually look at that statement either negatively or positively. I've already built up the negative side haven't I? How about taking a look on the positive? If you know me, I'm an absolute optimist. The glass is always half full. Oh how I love Isaiah chapter 6.... 6:8 "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" Isaiah's a great book by the way. But if you want to read it, start at the beginning and get the whole picture. The reason why I love chapter 6 so much is because this guy hears God basically calling for new recruits. And it is as if that guy jumps out of his seat and shouts, "Oh me! Please God pick me!!!" Isn't that so cool? Oh, right back to our question... I believe God asks "whom shall I send?" a lot. But are we really listening most of the time? January 1, 2017 2am. Hopefully you know this story already. That was when I finally heard God asking. And you know something? I got just as excited as the man in that verse. "WOW God, Oh please! Send me! I will go!" I pleaded. And you know the story from there. I believe we are all special. (What? Darby you're contradicting your title. So confused). Bare with me now... We are all special yet, we are all ordinary. You and I go through life and to the world, we are just another number. A statistic, nothing special about us. But think about how special and unique we are because of God? I'm talking to EVERYONE here not just believers. God took time out of his [extremely] busy schedule to create you. There is no other like you. Not ever your twin can compare. When we hear God during the day ask something of us, do we jump for joy begging God to send us?? I do. Or at least... I try to. My goal is to wake up each morning and hear God's voice. Hear him say, "Alright everyone it's a new day and there's a lot of work to do in this spiritual battle. Whom shall I send??" My goal is to jump and say, "I'm ready Lord. Whatever you need I'm all in!" Does that make me special? I'd like to think so. I also think it makes you special. You are special to God and he is calling you every day. I finally made the choice to hear Him. No matter what you choose, know that you wonderfully unique and perfectly special to God. God has a path for all of us. Take the moment to listen for guidance and jump with joy and excitement when you hear what or even where God is calling you. Seriously though, I've been a teenage girl. Tell me I can't, and you can bet money I will. Growing up it was pretty much a dare if someone said I couldn't do something. And I was the Queen of the Dares. I was fearless and now I'll admit, pretty dumb sometimes.As I grew older I learned to only do something if I truly wanted to. "Darby bet you can't ride that untouched colt." "Bet you I don't care cause that's just pure stupidity." But when I set my mind to something, if it was all my idea, you better believe I'd do it. "Darby you can't train that yearling, you're just a teenager." I did train that yearling... Just saying.
Things got real interesting though when God came into the picture. I mean He'd always been in my life, but when I finally became 100% invested in whatever God was calling me to do, wow it's like the world was telling me 'You can't.' Funny thing when I tell people about the cool direction God's leading me in, I normally get a good reaction. "Wow good for you Darby. That's great, such good work." Not bad at all. But when God leads me to something people can't imagine, the doubt pours out of them like black ink, staining my heart just a little. For example I may say, "Yeah I might be going to Mongolia to study Mongolian so I can minister to the nomadic tribes..." That kinda plan doesn't always go over well... What hurts most is when PASTORS look at me and say, "Now how did you come up with this?" I explain that God is calling me. Their reply priceless, "Are you sure you heard that right? I mean this is something you should really be certain of. And you know God speaks to us in different ways and in different times. Are you sure you aren't supposed to just rest and refocus on God right now?" WOW... That's terrible advice. Don't get me wrong, people misunderstand God all the time. I'm absolutely guilty of it. (You want an example- I thought God told me who I was going to date... Nope, I was wrong. I was just supposed to learn about Love and showing service to a brother in Christ). If you've ever misunderstood God you are sooooo blessed! Because now you have the experience to recognize when you let your emotions or feelings get in the way. When I started, I gave God 1 year. 365 days to use me as He wanted. And He proved Himself in every way possible. And taking time to rest and refocus on God... I believe that this is absolutely necessary, but I'm kinda a fast charger. I take my time at first to regroup and work on any emotional trauma I experience, but pretty soon... I get antsy, as in, I'm ready to get back on the horse. I'm ready to run after God all over again. Have I mentioned that God is a gentleman? That He'll wait for us to be ready? I have? Good. God is awesome, He waits for me to ask, "Ok God, what's the next thing. What can I do for you?" Then the way He answers me, is with a thought. Like a picture in my mind of a possibility. It's so cool, because from that picture I begin to dig deeper and ask more questions. What am I doing in this image? Am I teaching? Where am I? Is it Africa? Is it Asia? How far off is this? A year? Two? Three? More? Once I get a bigger picture and a few more questions answered, then I ask, "What do I need to do now to get there when You need me God?" Then things start to get really exciting. Heart pounding, palms sweating, I research as much as I can to prepare my mind for the path ahead. Then I often create a book plot with tons of twists to prepare my heart for the unknown. By the end of this process, I've asked God over 100 times if this is truly Him speaking to me. If this direction is really where I'm supposed to go from here. If the answer is still yes then I respond to God by saying, "Ok God. 100%. Here I am. I'm working towards this plan you've put before me. I have no doubt this is from you. I believe that You can and will open all the doors I need to do this for You. Finally, I will share the God Dream with friends, family, pastors, and the world. And what a disappointment that can be sometimes. When you look at me, do you see a young hurting girl desperately scratching for the next best thing? I feel like that's how a lot of people see me. Do you know how I see myself? How my mother and stepdad see me? They see me as their baby girl, now a woman but forever their child. They see a brave warrior prepared to die for her King. They see a student who carefully weighs her life choices up against what God has spoken and what scripture says. They see me the way my God sees me. Ready and willing. Not rushing but not hesitating. So for those worriers, when I finally am ready to reveal this God Dream I ask that you see me. See me and know, I've thought this through and yes it is from God. Know that you're doubt may leave a stain on my heart and send minor stings of fear, but I will still go. For if you the world tell me I can't, and God says I can, then I swear I will. How can one be at peace and still be running with a fire in their soul? Living in the moment perfectly content and still with a passion for God that moves mountains? What does that look like? What does it feel like? I'll tell you how it feels. It feels like my heart has doubled in size, ready to explode with joy and excitement. I feel a radiant tingling sensation all over my body. Smiling is the only expression I know. The more I learn, the more energetic... I get. It seems impossible to be happier but each day, joy continues to overflow my heart. People around me see this passion and it makes them worry. They constantly tell me, Darby you need to calm down, be at peace with where you are at. This is one of the biggest reasons I'm keeping this new God Dream safe in my heart until the right time. Telling the world would just cause them to doubt and fear. All this Darby, you're running before you even walk dear. And in a way, it's true. I'm not walking towards God. I don't want to take a stroll, I can't take my sweet time. I want to RUN. No, I NEED to run to God. He is my whole world, my life and my reason for living. And I want more. I want more of God, I want Him to lead me in a life long race. A race where I have absolute peace. You don't see that I am more at peace now than ever. Why? Because I am running so hard and so fast towards God. I don't want one or the other. Have peace OR chase God. I want peace during the race. And guys, I've found it. A God Dream that sets my heart on fire. I wake up every day ready to run towards God. Ready to learn what I need to learn. Ready to go at a moment's notice. Because I'm ready for God to give the signal. I'm ready to follow the Dream God's given me. Are you? Do you feel at peace but stuck? Do you feel anxiety because you think you're rushing? Ask God to reveal your God Dream and have the courage to act on it. Then you can find peace in the running. I've been thinking a lot about where I'm going. What direction is God leading me? I had no idea for a while. All I knew was that God was calling me to get training. Both Biblical and in linguistic. What did that mean though? I wasn't even sure which language I was supposed to study.Leaving Costa Rica had hurt. It left a scar on my heart. And that scar is still healing. The route I'd planned out, the path I thought God was leading me down, was over. That map... was wrong. God had something else in mind.
What I realized is in Costa Rica, I had a lot of doubt on my direction in life. God was only going to have me for 365 days, then I would decide to continue this journey with Him or not. The needle of my compass would constantly swing to doubt or worry, then God would work a miracle and the needle would swing back to faith. The moment I decided that I was going to live by faith FOREVER, that's the moment God shut the doors in Costa Rica. The exact moment. (NO lie! I got the text 3 minutes after I swore to God that my life was His). And that's when the needle in my compass straightened and pointed directly to God. To faith. Faith to write a book that I know the world may not be ready to hear. Faith to go to a writer's conference when I know nothing about publishing and have had my works ripped to pieces before. Faith to apply to be a camp counselor when I know all the jobs are almost filled. Faith to offer to talk with someone about God and the Bible, when I know that I am not a evangelist, pastor, or counselor. Faith to apply to a college when I know that it's one of the longest shots I'll ever be apart of. Faith to study French when I have no idea when, where, or how I'll ever use it. Faith to commit to speaking at a children's ministry conference in Belize when I've never done anything like it before. Faith to look at the future Dream God has placed on my heart with excitement and passion. Even when it could be 3, 5, 10, or 20 years away. What direction is your compass showing? Doubt or Faith? Make faith in God be your compass and follow that. Don't make your own road map. Enjoy the journey and adventure God has called you to. I get extremely excited when God gives me a glimpse of a possible future and direction for my life. Don't get me wrong, I don't see visions or prophecies or anything set in stone. But I do get beautiful possibilities. I call them possibilities because the decision is ultimately my choice. God will not force me to follow Him. He's a gentleman. He'll wait for me patiently. When I'm ready, He'll always be there. God is my only constant.But you know what? Since I decided I was all in, that I'd follow God around the world, into war zones, natural disasters, and the darkest parts of society, my life has been changed. Now when I ask God, "Where are you leading me?" Its not out of fear or a need to know. I ask out of curiosity and genuine interest.
Now that my attitude has changed, God is much more open to giving me answers. (or in my case tiny glimpses). I'll be lying awake at night talking with God and ask questions. Then He offers direction. Most of the time when this happens I get so excited that I jump right into planning everything out. Only to fall asleep from exhaustion an hour or two later. Then I wake up and remember my conversation with God. The memory doesn't provide excitement this time. I'm awake now, more alert, and more rational. My brain starts to work a mile a minute. More questions reel in my mind. How can this work? How can I do something so big? What do I need to do to prepare? How can I train for this project? How long term will this be? When my mind starts into this downward spiral, I have to catch myself. Darby STOP. Just breathe and trust God. After I've calmed down it's funny, cause Satan always has to make an attempt. Well you know Darby if you had just stayed with your dream, you'd have a safe and stable job. You'd have everything you could ever want or need too. Why did you give up your life to be a slave to this God who drags you across the world? If you were wondering, that dumb play from Satan never works. I just laugh and respond, Uh I think you mean servant. I'm a servant to the One and Only God. He is my safety and my stability. And I do have everything I could ever want and need. God does not drag me across the world out of force, I asked Him to use me to change the world. So when you look at your life I want you to seriously think about whose plan you're following. Is it Gods? Or yours? NO you don't have to be a missionary or a pastor to do what God has called you to. But when God asks you to show unconditional love and unconditional grace, will you listen? I believe that God uses everyone to change the world. You change the world every day. A simple smile or a thank you can show that you have the love of Christ in your life. That love is a light that radiates to everyone. Seeing that light, can change someone's life. And by saving 1 life, you are changing their world. Follow God wherever He may lead. Do so without fear or worry. Know that He will be your provider, protector, and guide through it all. Future Looks BrightI'm incredibly excited to share how God has been directing my life. When I returned from Costa Rica, I'll be honest, I was kinda worried. I didn't understand what God was doing. So many events had happened that didn't seem to make sense. They felt random.
Coming to Colorado I decided to focus on my book. For a month I wrote daily for 4-6 hours. And I can tell you, it was awesome. Hard work, but awesome. Unfortunately after a month, life started to catch up with me. Bills came in and I realized as much as I loved to write full time, I needed an income. We can't hide from student loans forever. And mine were coming due. I got a part time job at the YMCA so that I could meet my payments and still have time to write. There is an incredible opportunity for me to go to the Colorado Christian Writers Conference with my manuscript! (May 2018) Then I'm off to work as a camp counselor at the summer camp I grew up going to! Highlands Presbyterian Church Camp in Allens Park. I'm so excited to have the opportunity to give back to this organization this June and July. Next who knows, I may be traveling to Canada to volunteer and immerse myself in French. Languages are incredibly valuable to me and spending two months learning for some plan God has for my future. Also can't forget about my trip to Belize this October. God is so amazing. For the final surprise, I've applied to College of the Ozarks! They are in the process of reviewing my application. When I know the answer, don't worry, you'll know. And you know what? If I am not accepted, I plan on applying to an international school to study Bible, culture, and language. That's enough excitement for one post. I hope you all are as passionate about God's plan for you as I am. Know that you are loved and that He has the coolest dream for you life. Something so outstanding, it's time you started listening so He can train you. |
AuthorI am a missionary. Currently studying at Bethany Global University. The ultimate God dream is to go to Mongolia. I believe God has called me to minister to the Mongolian nomads, they are the unreached people of our world. With over 3 million people in Mongolia, there are only around 70 churches. These churches are all in cities, thus leaving the nomads on their own. I am a missionary, this is my calling, and this is my story. Please Contact me to find out how to donate.Archives
March 2020
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